Your letter, dear Mr. Jarosław, “squeezed” a tear from my eyes, and a big one at that, such as even famous cinematographic heroines would not be able to fabricate with the best glycerin. I was sad for myself and for you. I will start with myself, since it has already dripped from my pen on the first one. Sad for myself, because as I read the letter I involuntarily experienced what I address to no one: that I am distant from my life and that I am left here alone like my tower in front of the windows, which was once supposed to testify to some individuality amidst the greyness of the surroundings, and now it testifies to nothing and simply exists, has been left alone. The mood of this city is terribly grey and one could say – sexless, which is worse than non-erotic. Nothing here rubs against each other and nothing simply happens. Every action loses its value and beauty. It is also an incredible luxury that we have here in contrast to big cities, conveniences and this – a kind of – happiness that my mother-in-law takes away my economic problems,[4] they do not help or favor work and cannot be used despite all my strong will and desire burning directly to action. The work that has been started drags on endlessly and gives me no satisfaction. It is also the fact that you have completed two works that contributed to the thickness of that tear that I mentioned above… Well, what is there to mention about the “raging” carnival? This word is only read in the newspaper when talking about the future parade in Viareggio.
Sadness for you, however, refers to those illnesses, which have been surrounding you lately. I understand you perfectly. And I, who am very healthy by nature, turn away from doctors and hospitals, thanking God that we are keeping well at home. I shake off the little ailments of my nephews and push them away directly from me. I know that it is more difficult for you to do this, but after all, your daughters are also growing up …………. plus …….. and they will be less and less sensitive to every breeze. Why do you immediately come up with some thoughts about fate?
As for the failure to notice certain phenomena that you have noticed in yourself, which – it seems to me – you are tuning in too sentimentally, I do not agree with the conclusion that this is a sign of aging. In my opinion, you have reached a certain selective absorption of what is more valuable from your surroundings, you are sifting through what is more durable and more worthy, and I think that if there were a writer of truly great stature among us today, you would be the first to notice or recognize or feel him. That you are no longer carried away by the current of youthful ecstasies and do not integrate with what the present moment is living. Even, as the Dane says – is it supposed to be a sign of aging? Geniuses often had this already in their youth and wore it as a stigma of innate maturity, in your case it is probably a certain level of development, after which I expect a new stage. The fact that you feel that for now you will not write anything new is proof of the end of a certain circle. Others will follow soon.
You ask where I was in the summer, in the fall. Well – in my wonderful little town. And in the countryside, from which I often escaped the invasion of very grey aunts and others. We were only in Assisi. There is a great deal of spiritual beauty there, traces of lofty and wonderful feelings, only my hand itched to chase away a whole host of traders in these possessions. And now, in a few days I am going to Rome, to finally breathe a little more deeply. I will be there for a week or more, and if you have someone to whom I can pay my respects – please write to me immediately, the letter will arrive in time.
I cannot write any longer today, I want to remind you that you promised me “Summer in Nohant” and that you also promised to send me a few more interesting novels or recent Polish works. Please forgive this request, but I will insist without mercy on you that you keep your promise. Take comfort in carnival, I have nothing here. It often seems to me that
je vais mourier, seule, dans mon coin.
Les enuis dout j’ai besoin
et les etoiles sout trop loin[5]
If you have any – even older – issues of new magazines – and thanks for them. Warmest regards to your wife and girls. I send you a strong handshake.
Felicia Campetti