Theo David

{Google translate from a transcription of the German]

August 14, 1947

my dear uncle,

Since I've been neglecting you lately when it comes to letters, you can probably guess that something special is going on with me. But you will also see from this that I have in no way forgotten you, because if something worries me deeply, I come to you first.

You may have already guessed what it is about, namely Theo. I need your advice for two reasons: first, because I have great faith in you, and second, because I believe Theo bears some resemblance to you.

But I'd rather give you a chronological description of the circumstances first, and as factually as possible.

You know I was friends with Theo as a kid; from autumn 1930 to autumn 1933 to be exact. He's two years older than me. He was much more mature than me and even as a boy he claimed to love me. In January 1935 we saw each other for one day in Zurich and then began a correspondence that was very intimate and in love, especially on his part. Towards the end of 36 he had his first love experience and suddenly didn't write for a year and then asked my forgiveness again afterwards. There were a few such stutters in correspondence, always followed by tender letters. He got married in the summer of '42, but although I could tell from his first letter that he didn't love his wife, I didn't go into further correspondence. In January 1945 he suddenly wrote to me that he had just divorced and whether I was still interested in him. Correspondence then resumed, and in early '46 he began to develop his plans for the summer of '47 with me. When his sister Eva came to England in the fall of '46, he hardly wrote to me anymore, but it became pretty clear that his journey would come true. In the last letter before he came he told me that he was somehow afraid of meeting again, which was quite unusual for him, and in question form he listed all the ways in which we would meet, brotherly-sisterly, as loved ones, etc. etc. – So now he was here, left yesterday. We were together for about five weeks, but never or either Eva, my mother, or both to have with us. That means we were of course alone together a lot, but we weren’t traveling alone, for example, but the others were always somewhere nearby. – The first impression was of course a bit strange, but initially it seemed as if we found the way to each other very quickly. However, while I quickly got used to the new Theo and fell in love with him as such, he tried to "recognize" me and couldn't. He once expressed that I was different "in looks, in size, and in age". I see further, especially in the summer, like 17 and you could give him a good 35. He was tender with me and sweet, but he never came out of himself. He is withdrawn and taciturn, and only sometimes late at night does he thaw a bit in the relationship. He's very careful, especially he'll never say anything that commits him in any way. He's very smart, he notices and sees everything, but he rarely talks about what he notices and I don't think he always draws the right conclusions from his observations. Although he always wrote to me that he needed a woman of his intellectual level, and I think I at least matched him intellectually, I didn't get the impression that he valued intellectual conversation; In any case, I could hardly encourage him to do so, and he said terribly often: "I don't know", while I always try to at least express a personal opinion. He said he had never really loved a woman, although he seems to have a small harem, and although he said at first he thought he was beginning to know what love was, he later stopped speaking about it. All he told me was true that I mean more to him than a girlfriend and arguably more than any of the women he knows. But that he had never intended, even in the most ideal case, to marry me during this holiday, since an acquaintance of five weeks was too short for that. (He had known his wife for 2 1/2 years and it still went wrong almost immediately!). In any case, he has not committed himself in any way. I told him fairly early on that I was afraid of a 'tie' and that if there was nothing serious about him I would prefer not to spend the rest of my vacation with him. But he didn't go into that. – He doesn't seem to like company, he says he hates cuddles and superfluous words, and as a result, with one exception, he hasn't met any of my acquaintances. He thinks I let my mother influence me, and I'm afraid he doesn't like her very much either. At least he's misjudging her. I've let loose on how I feel about him, but I used to think that all we had to do was figure out if there was an attraction and everything else would find itself, but he seemed to be assuming different assumptions. He seems to compensate for his reserve with a diary. – I don't know if I've written you enough, but it's already so much that I'd rather stop soon.

I don't know if I "love" him, I don't even know if I'll ever be able to love a man in that sense until I'm sure of him. But I must be extremely fond of him, despite his faults and shortcomings, and the physical attraction for me is very strong. But I don't know how he really is, how to treat him, what is and what will happen next. The most positive thing I know is that he enjoyed spending his entire vacation and his first stay in Europe in ten years almost exclusively in my company.

I am sending you a letter he wrote me from London during the holidays when he was there for a few days and a photo of him so that you can get a better picture. But please send both back to me.

Sorry for keeping you busy with this matter for so long, but it is extremely important to me and you are the only one who can help and advise me.

I hope you are doing well and I would like to wish you a very nice holiday in Ascona.

Many thanks in advance and warmest regards and a kiss,

Your Jani.

August 18, 1947

Dear Uncle,

I haven't sent the letter for a few days because I wanted to see if there wasn't anything else from Theo. So far I've only had a very short letter from London, and I can't wait for any more news for at least a week. In addition, I have now found that I suffer from the separation and the uncertainty much more than I would have thought. If you could tell me anything about the person Theo from the documents that I am giving you, I would be extremely grateful. I am of course happy to answer any questions that you have for your assessment.

Thanks again!

Sincerely

Your Jani.

[Hard to read his writing]

Aus dem Brief vom 25. VIII. 47.

Er (Theo) ist nicht glücklich und wirkt frei, über mich zu verfügen, das ist unendlich gemein. Berauschtheit und das Suchen nach dem Erleben sind in ihm. Er sucht festen Halt, indem er sich einen festen Punkt nach „[...]darsteller“ gibt, bildlich und und körperlich gemeint, aber darunter ist er [...] [...] so selig, er ist leidenschaftlich, es fehlt ihm, bei aller Energie, das weit in die Welt gehen und ich habe den Verdacht, dass er irgendwo oder irgendwie krank ist. Was und wo es ist, vermag ich nicht zu sagen. Das macht ihn unsicher und unentschlossen, vermute ich. 

[...] Wort in männl. [...] verlangen, ist er ohne Erfolg [...] stellen und das wird ohne Erfolg abbrechen.

...

From the letter of August 25, 1947.

He (Theo) is not happy and seems free to dispose of me, that is infinitely mean. Intoxication and the search for experience are in him. He's looking for a firm footing by giving himself a fixed point after "[...]actor", meaning figuratively and physically, but underneath he's [...] [...] so blissful, he's passionate about it he misses, with all his energy, going far out into the world and I have the suspicion that he is sick somewhere or somehow. What and where it is I cannot say. That makes him insecure and indecisive, I suppose.

[...] ask for the word in masculine [...], he is put without success [...] and that will break off without success.

January 16, 1948[2]

My dear uncle Tramer,

I think I start every letter lately with an apology that I haven't written in ages. Same this time.

Partly this time it's because I wanted to share further developments on the "Theodorean" matter and simply nothing further happened. I haven't had a letter from him since October (I haven't written to him, of course); however, this week I received a crate of oranges from him, which must have been on the way for a long time. As far as I know, he now leads an adventurous life (as far as women are concerned). Well, [not] my concern; Luckily I've been thinking about it a lot less lately.

My work is always the same, but I have reason to believe that people are very happy with me (this is not necessarily mutual!). Just today the principal informed me that it has been decided to fund my studies to some extent, so I will be able to recover a large part of my expenses in this regard over the past three years.

With warmest regards and a kiss

Your Jani